A time once travelled

My mother instinct was right when more than four years ago, I said to myself I may stop doing David’s website one day due to a simple reason that I would be trespassing his privacy. I thought then that I had to make a border line of trumpeting his progress, achievements and anything in-between for fear that he won’t be happy about it once he is all grown up.

That grown-up came earlier than expected. Much to my surprise. I mean for heaven’s sakes he is only 4 and a half!

Last summer in the South, we met Haze and her lovely kids, Hilda and her princess and Makis. The picnic mat was already spread on the ground and the kids were already playing around when we arrived. After the bises and introduction, and me settling down, David grabbed my arm purposely and whispered something in my ear. I did not understand what he said first and asked him to talk louder. I sensed that he was being extra timid and wanted to tell something for my ears only. I gave all my attention, bowing my head to listen to what he had to say.

“Maman, tu parles pas de moi, d’accord?” (Mama, you do not talk about me ok?) I did not see it coming. I raised my eyes to his with full of silent surprises and questions. When he did not get an answer, he shook my arm once more and said “d’accord maman? D’accord?”. With such intensity. I said ok, automatically, not yet fully recovered of what my son has just said. When he still was looking at me seemingly unconvinced of my answer, I whispered to his ear that I won’t talk about him…

It made me wonder that whole afternoon up to the night. I could not shake off the negative feeling. Why would he say that? Why did he say that with anxiety written all over his face? Did I say that when I was his age? Is that why he gives me inquisitive look when I talk to his teacher in front of him?

I surely am bubbly when I’m with my friends who are probably yawning behind my back when I talk because the only topic of the conversation is David. Lol! I don’t really mean it. It just comes automatically. And I love talking about his progress, the humours in-between and all. I’m proud of him. And now I have a feeling my son finds it demeaning to talk about him. Sheyt, and now I’m posting it! Grrrr!

Pa complains that I don’t update David’s website anymore. He loves it dearly. I love it. We like to re-live the special moments when he was a baby. Videos and pictures are ok, but re-reading our impressions and describing the moments in words make it closer to that special time. But there’s no question that David is growing and the level of self-consciousness is sharper. He even gets annoyed when we take pictures of him. There’s a limit to all these and to define that is very hard to do. At what point he personally feels intruded by my writings, our conversations, is left to my own mother-instinct. And this mother-instinct loves to record anything she can grab! One day my son will crucify me and marks: your mother instinct sucks…. then goes to lie down on the famous couch, talking to some weirdo shrink! Ha ha ha…

I know it’s no laughing joke, but I hope this is a passing stage he goes through…

Does your child go through similar stage?