A time once travelled

I’m going to pretend that time didn’t pass by this fast! That Christmas didn’t come and that it’s not really a new year I’m in! It’s not difficult to think about, considering that I was rather totally unconscious in bed for two fucking days on the 23^rd and 24^th of Christmas. I could have died on the 24^th and had the taste of what hell is like, what with the sharp knives dug every inch of my skin down to the tips of nails. I must have died and hell must not only be about eternal burning fires. There must be long-sharp knives out there too!

The only thing I was subconsciously aware of that my heart had not stop beating, and brain still functioning, was the fact that in the span of 24 hours, I could hear from the very distant the door of the bedroom carefully opened and closed, the quiet tiptoes, the gentle touch of tiny hands on the thick blanket wrapped around me and the silent whisper “mama, are you still awake?  “Are you going to wake up for our noche Buena?”

He is an angel! Angels are not scared to go to hell and whisked back to good earth lost sick soul! Like mine!

The physical and mental recovery dragged on until the end of January. I.take.that.back. until the end of last week, when gastro bid farewell from our butts! Literally.

I have amnesia of the 24^th. And wondered how I managed to have photo with happy faces around the Christmas table. I think I ate a prawn or two, but no memories of what happened thereafter.

And yet obviously I can’t avoid the fact that Christmas came without me and that I’m really now in 2009. I’m bitter about it and feel like I’m a total jerk!

I tried to keep self-preservation. Survival of oneself. What energy left were used to pull a happy face at work, and the rest used to keep the clothes washed and ironed, house liveable.

It had been a rollercoaster ride. I hate the real rides, how much more this one. The weather does not help either! Hubby has stopped complaining of how I successfully killed-joy the festive season. David seemed oblivious about it. Maybe because I managed to pull an excited happy face on boxing day. Or maybe because Santa did not forget a thing on his list!

…. Up until now, I have had maddening days. Happy days. Exciting Days. Low days. Boring days. Shitty days. Promising days…

…. At the moment I’m preoccupied of finding satisfying answers to these questions….
- mama, where do nightmares come from?
- mama, do nightmares come when I close my eyes?
- Maybe I should not close my eyes so that they won’t come?
- Mama, you know you are having a nightmare when you open your eyes and you see yourself sleeping on the floor, the bed disappear, the computer, the table, the drawers, the books, the clothes, everything disappears… and you see nothing but walls on your back, walls on your right, walls on your front and walls  on your left. When you see that you know you are in a nightmare! (That totally creeps me out! What no hideous monsters? Why freaking walls?)
- mama what should I do when I have a nightmare?